You know the sorrow and suffering of your own heart, of the ways you've failed yourself or the ones you love even for understandable reasons - the ways you were failed, or neglected, the hurt and suffering inflicted on your and now passed on to others. It's so predictable and so eternally true, that we share what we know, even when we don't want to.
But if you want that to end, if you want that cycle to stop, it's possible to change. It's not easy. But it's possible. And continuing to suffer and cause suffering isn't easy either, so that's something to take into consideration.
I don't think you can do it on your own. Or all on your own. And the first step is a reckoning, a willingness to see the full truth of you are, who you have become, who you can be, and what you have done, however much discomfort, fear, shame or uncertainly you may feel. The reckoning, the full tally of all of it can be overwhelming.
But pretending isn't a better alternative. We pretend a lot. We hope and imagine and project and dream and wait. We want the life we can imagine, we want the dreams we've invested in. But sometimes, real life stands in front of us and requires that we simply pay attention to what is, what exists, and what we have created, not what we wish for.
On the spiritual journey, there is really only one possible response to this reckoning, to being faced with what we hoped to avoid, and that is to embrace what is before us. Not to equivocate or defend or explain or wish away. It is to stand naked before it and embrace it as my own creation, and to love it, even if I know I want to change everything about it.
Because my life is my creation, even the aspects I judge and despise and reject. It's still what I have before me and what I have to work with, and the only place I can actually start making change.
It's ok to ask for help. I would suggest it strongly. Start with asking G*d for that help, for humbling yourself before a Divine presence, even if you don't know what you believe about G*d. You don't have to have a belief system or a religious tradition to know that undending and divine love, acceptance and forgiveness can help heal and restore your bruised and broken heart and your bruised and broken life and your bruised and broken relationship. It's worth a try for sure...