Change is Hard Work, but So Is Suffering

Fear, shame and guilt are the Three Musketeers of negative emotion, traveling together, bound up in each other, each one building off of and tied into the others.  Where there is one, inevitably another follows.

And the result internally is suffering.  It can be suffering in the obvious form of fear, shame and guilt, but so often these feelings are cloaked inside something else.  They are cloaked inside doubt, insecurity, anger, irritation, judgement, coldness, emotional over-reacting - all the ways we disappear inside ourselves, and separate ourselves from whatever or whoever might be triggering the fear or shame or guilt.

We have so many ways to protect ourselves, to buffer ourselves from this pain, but this appearance of protection is only an appearance.  If the seed of suffering has taken root within the soul, and you tear off the leaves or the fruit, or even try to rip it from the ground, but the roots are still firmly planted, then the suffering continues.

Any gardener knows that to fully extract weeds, roots and all, the soil itself must be softened first.  And it's the same with us.  When our hearts have become bitter and dry, the deep roots of fear, shame and guilt cannot be eradicated through sheer will, no matter how forcefully we work to remove them.

We have to soften our hearts first, to acknowledge and accept that there is internal suffering, and that we want the suffering to end.  And we have to mean that, to be truly willing to release it, to give up defining ourselves by this suffering and our relationship to it. and our relationship to others through it.  It means letting go of bitterness and resentment and taking full ownership of our thoughts and feelings.

If you hold onto all the things that others have done and said to upset you or cause your suffering, you'll certainly feel justified in suffering, but YOU will still be suffering.  If you can approach your own suffering, your own limitations, with even some of the compassion you would have for a loved one in the same situation, then there's real hope for change.

Because compassion begins to soften and melt the heart, and that lets the roots of fear, shame and guilt slip through the soil of the soul and be removed completely.  Because compassion is the beginning of healing, and the beginning of replacing suffering with love.

It takes time.  It takes effort.  It takes focus and determination.  It takes forming and reinforcing new habits around new thoughts and feelings.  It's hard work, and takes effort, sometimes second-by-second, to actually change.  It's hard work, but then again, so is suffering.

Why Awareness Matters

Mindfulness is a term that those even casually acquainted with meditation are familiar with. It's a concept that's been around for thousands of years and had made its way to the West with great flair.  It's at the heart of a lot of practices seeking to reduce stress and enhance calm relaxation.

But there's another, deeper reason for mindfulness, and that's the kind of acceptance and awareness that comes with it.  Begin to sit quietly with yourself, and non-judgmentally observe what arises in your thoughts and feelings, and you'll see it isn't all about calm relaxation.  Seriously - go ahead and do it.  Sit with yourself and see what comes up.

For a lot of us, there are thoughts and feelings we've put aside or hidden for one good reason or another, and to try now to accept them, without judgement or fear or even concern?  Not so easy to do.  We hide from ourselves for very good reasons.  Because there are consequences to acknowledging how we are thinking and feeling, especially if we follow those thoughts and feelings to their logical conclusions and see that they are asking for some kind of change.

What if, in the back of my mind, I know I'm unhappy with my (job, marriage, kids, house, weight, friends...), and now that I'm sitting without distraction, it's apparent that I've been avoiding dealing with my discontent?  Well -what if?  Awareness is the first step in transformation, and the second is acknowledgement.

But the wonderful thing about the meditative process is that it's not boot camp.  It's not forcing you to jump into judgement OR action, to suddenly find the solution to the problem that you've only just become aware of, and have maybe, for the first time, actually acknowledged.

Meditation says sit with yourself, sit with your discontent, sit with G*d, offer it up, and see what comes back.  Do you need to take action?  Do you need to do something?  Or maybe, just in this moment, you keep sitting with yourself, getting used to this level of insight and honesty, and just letting what's been hidden emerge before you have to do anything to fix it.

Try it.  For a minute or two or 10 or 20.  Maybe happy, easy thoughts and feelings will emerge, and it will be easy to know what to do about them.  But give yourself the freedom to move into awareness, and get to know yourself deeply.  Take your time.  The best reason to slow your thoughts is so that you don't miss the important stuff.   Don't just empty your mind.  Explore it, and learn to know it and have some compassion for yourself, and you won't be sorry for a single minute you spend this way.